Stuck in a moment that I can’t get out of

This past week has sucked.

I know. Great way to start a blog post. But at least I’m being honest up front for what this post is gonna be about. So if you don’t want to read about my ramblings over the past week please feel free to click away now.

Anywho, why has this week sucked? Well it wasn’t really anything that happened, it was just that overall everything was draining and I felt bogged down.

Work was rough. The kids were horrible. I felt like every other minute I was having to tell one to get off the table, stop hitting, don’t climb on that, or don’t sit on your friends. I had to write two of them up because their behavior was just horrible. I had to sit there and remind myself so many times that they are one. It’s ok that they aren’t perfect little angels.

But work wasn’t the overall problem this week. My thoughts were. I could tell that I was letting myself think way to much about anything and everything. Mostly I’m thinking about where I’m at in life. I hate that I’m still living at home. It makes me feel like a piece of shit for being 27 and still living with my mom and dad. All my friends are all living out on their own and supporting themselves. It makes me feel like I’m sucking at life and that I can’t do anything right.

I tried to feel better by going out with an old friend on Friday night. But that didn’t go well. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas Eve 2015 which was when I walked out of his hotel room cause he was being stupid. I thought maybe a year and a half-ish might have changed that. I mean it wasn’t all bad. The dinner portion was fine. He’s a great friend to talk to and hangout with. It was the after that he resorted back to his old ways. And yes it was nice to feel wanted by a guy I guess but the problem is I don’t want him. But that’s a whole different ball of wax. I just wish he would realize that all I want from him is friendship and nothing more. That would make it a lot less complicated I think.

I did get back into walking/running this week which was good. It seriously helped me feel a little better. I just put in my earbuds and played some music and walked some then ran some. I know it’s kinda cliche for me to say that it helps clear my mind but it really does. I don’t think about anything while I’m on the trails but my breathing and when my next walking break is. I forgot how relaxing it is. I know I need to make sure I make this a priority from now on. Especially since I want to do the Cotton Row Run again this year. Hopefully I’ll beat my time last year and even run more of it this year. I think I only ran about 1.5 miles of the 5k last year. That’s a little less that half but still. I’d like to be able to run at least 2.5 of it this year if not all of it.

Overall, you can probably see it wasn’t one thing that made this week a bad week. I’m in a slump. I feel like I know what’s causing it and I hate that again I’m letting something so stupid mess me up. I need to stop letting others dictate my happiness but I’m just not ok with things. I don’t like knowing shit. And right now I feel so far out of the loop that I’m nowhere even near the radar of being in the know of things. But do I bring the subject up and talk about it? No. Instead I’m just gonna let it simmer and bog me down. Cause that’s what I do. My feelings don’t matter. As long as they seem ok with things then that’s all that counts.

I guess I’ll end it there. Sorry for the depressing post but that’s life for me right now. Feels like one big depressing black hole and I don’t know how to get out of it.

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27: The Year of the Payment Plans

Hello blog universe. Sorry for not writing in a while. Life happens as I’m sure most of you know.

So what’s been happening with me? Well I’m officially 27 now. Spent the weekend before doing shenanigans with the biffatitty in Nashville. Then my actual birthday was spent at work but the parents were super awesome and brought me stuff which was cool. Then the following Friday I did dinner with the family which ended with me going off with the biffatitty after dinner to do more shenanigans.

Other than that excitement everything has been pretty blah. Well that was until today. Today I had to go get my dental cleaning done. I know I need a crown so I scheduled that appointment for Monday cause with this new insurance I got it covers crowns up to 50%. That meant I was only going to have to pay $500 instead of the $1,000 I would have had to pay with the insurance I had last year. At least I was under that impression until my dentist’s office informed me today that I have a plan that is on hold until January of next year. Meaning my cleanings and x-rays and such are covered but if I have anything else wrong it all comes out of my pocket. Now I’m having to scramble to figure out how I’m going to pay for all this on Monday cause I need it done. I can tell that the hole is getting bigger so I don’t want to wait too much longer cause then I’ll need a root canal. And that is definitely too much money to come out of my pocket.

Thankfully though in all this, one of the payment ladies at the dentist talked to me about a couple different companies that they accept money from and can make my payment plans a little smaller rather than the stupid short payment plan they have set up there. I’ve got other stuff I’m trying to pay off or just pay in general. I can’t afford to shell out another $270 a month. $100 I can do but above that it’s gonna get tight.

Oh and then I had my therapy appointment today too. I think it’s probably bad when you’re talking and then you say something that even makes the therapist say “damn”. I don’t want to go into detail on that one here cause the stuff I’m working on with her right now are very personal and it’s seriously opening my eyes on how I let others treat me. Needless to say though I might post about that later. Cause that topic is a post all in and of itself.

Anyway, that’s all for now I suppose. Just wanted to give a quick I’m still kicking post and let ya know what’s happening in my world. One day I’ll get my shit sorted out and then all will be right in the world….I hope….

Fight to find myself

I’ve been wanting to write a new post for a while now. Problem is I’m not really sure what to write about.

The exercising is going good. I’ve done a workout every day for the past 7 days. The nutrition part is sucking a bit but getting healthy takes baby steps. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Although I’d like it to be a quicker process cause it would be awesome to see some results. Maybe I’d feel like I’m actually doing something if I saw some sort of difference in my body. I know I will one day but I’d really like that day to be today.

As for my mental health, I don’t really know what’s going on with that right now. I think I’m in a rut right now. I’m not bad but I’m not good. Tuesday is my first appointment with my therapist this year and I can’t wait. I need to talk to her about New Year’s. I’m still beating myself up over what I almost let happen.

I know it’s probably stupid and she’s gonna look at me say it’s ok to let it go but I just can’t.

I guess right now what sucks the most is I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. Not about this or anything else I’m feeling. I’m the one people go to with their problems but no one is really there for me. Sure people say they are but when I go to talk, I feel like I’m bothering them and I’m just being a burden. This probably stems from growing up in a family where talking anything out was frowned upon and I was told to just shut up and deal with it.

I wish I wasn’t this way. I wish I could talk to my friends about all my problems. I wish I could forgive for something that was mostly my fault anyway. So many things I wish I could just be normal about.

I need to look on the bright side. I’m in therapy again. I am working to better myself. I’m gaining clarity about what is and isn’t good for me.

2017 is my year of gaining confidence and control of myself. I am in control of my life. No one else.

The minor fall. The major lift.

Currently listening to Hallelujah (the version by Pentatonix) on repeat as I type tonight. I tried to hold out on liking this song but damn, it gets me right in the feels every time I listen to it.

Anyway, this post today isn’t about that song. I just feel like I’ve been stuck in a mood today. Don’t know what kind of mood exactly. It isn’t depressed but it isn’t happy. I’m just existing today.

In my last post I talked about getting back into the gym and I’ve stuck to that so far. (It’s been 2 days so don’t get too excited for me) Last night though after I came home from the first day back in the gym, I was feeling pretty good. I had done a 20 minute run/walk and 40 minutes on the elliptical. I was sore but also proud of myself. Then my dad starts talking about something he read that says all the people that start back this time of year quit by the end of 2 weeks to which my brother asked how long he thought I’d last. Boom. good feelings gone. Back to feeling like shit.

So today I went back. I wanted to do some good cardio so I pushed myself for 50 minutes on the elliptical. Thank God for good tunes that helped me through it or else I might have given up at the 30 minute mark. Anyway, I get home today and I’m fixing my plate of supper from something my brother had made. It was a pasta so not the best thing for me but I figured a smaller portion wouldn’t hurt me too bad. As I’m getting it my brother says “I thought you were back in the gym?” He was trying to make a joke that I wasn’t strong enough to get the pasta out of the pan cause it was kinda sticking but the way he said it really just struck a nerve.

I’m probably reading too much into all of this but it freaking sucks to hear family say that kind of stuff to me. It isn’t a secret that I struggle with losing weight. I’ve been fat all my life so losing this isn’t gonna be a quick and painless task. But all I ask is for just a little bit of encouragement maybe. Or if they don’t have any then just keep your mouth shut. I’ll take that too.

 

Ok changed song so time to change topics. Now listening to Worst Part of Me by I Prevail. Never heard of them? If you like alternative metal kind of stuff you’ll like these guys. They are my go to workout stuff right now cause it gets me out of my head and just pushing myself to give my workout it’s all.

This song however speaks volumes to me right now cause I can think of multiple people in my life that can fit the description of this song.  Here’s the lyrics for those that may not want to do the dirty work to look it up yourself. (I’m so helpful I know)

You’re the worst part of me
How did I let you in so deep?

You’re the worst part of me
How did I let you in so deep?
Gotta dig you out of my skin
This where it has to end

I let you bury me alive for far too long
But I’m climbing back up to the surface, back to where I belong

If we’re being honest you broke every little promise
That you made to me, I was too blind to see
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

You pulled me in with a warm embrace
To drag me down to the darkest place
I want to feel just like myself again
But with these chains around my ankles I can’t get away

If we’re being honest you broke every little promise
That you made to me, I was too blind to see
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear
You had control of me for far too long
Manipulated me but now I’m gone
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

I let you bury me alive for far too long
But I’m climbing back up to the surface back to where I belong
And now it’s clear that you’re the worst part of me
How did I ever let you claw your way in so deep

If we’re being honest you broke every little promise
That you made to me, I was too blind to see
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear
You had control of me for far too long
Manipulated me but now I’m gone
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

 

At this point I’m guessing some of you are either thinking of someone that fits that description or thinking damn these lyrics are bad ass I should look up the song or maybe you’re thinking both. Who knows.

The line that sticks out the most is “I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses”  Why you may ask? Because that me in a nutshell. For so long now I’ve been letting a lot of people walk all over me and dictate how I can and can’t feel. I’m done. Sad that it takes me till I’m almost 27 to figure this out but I grew up being told to shut up and conform. I was never allowed to speak up and voice any issues. I was just supposed to be a good daughter and friend and put other needs before my own.

I’m starting to slowly find my voice and speak up for myself. I know I won’t be perfect at it. I’m hoping when I go back to my therapist on the 17th that me and her can start working on this. I’m tired of being a dumb little push over. I can be my own person and if others don’t like then they don’t have to stick around.

Time to end the pity party cause I am better than that.

So 2017 has started out pretty shitty for me. I spent yesterday and most of today laying in bed watching Star Wars (starting in original order of course cause I’m not a monster that actually starts with episode 1) and just wallowing in self pity.

See I did a thing on New Year’s that I’m not really proud of. I woke up with some knowledge of what I’d done on Sunday morning but also with a massive hangover which led me to believe I got blackout drunk. I knew that I had made out with someone and that some acts were done but that’s all. So when I woke up in the hotel bed with said dude feeling me up and asking if we should pick up where we left off I freaked. What all had we done? And damnit I was trying to start a relationship with another guy. This is not something I should have done.

I immediately started down my depressive spiral. How could I have let this happen? I should have stopped it. I shouldn’t have drank as much so that I was in my right mind to say no to it all. Naturally in my guilty state I knew I had to come clean to the guy I had been talking to. It would have ate me if I hadn’t. So I told him. Honestly I can’t say how he took it because since I told him yesterday he hasn’t messaged me much. I tried reaching out to him last night but I was given short answers and so I figured he needed space. This didn’t help my depressive spiral any as I just kept going down further and further.

Now we’re on to today. My hangover was finally subsiding. (Just so y’all know, I do not recommend drinking to where you have a two day long hangover. It sucks. I would not wish it on my worst enemy) Anyway, full memories of New Year’s were coming back to me. I have no regrets of the beginning of the evening. That was all fun. But I do regret the amount I drank which allowed me to give in to the peer pressure. I knew going into the night that some might try to push for something and yet I drank enough not to care. The blame for that night can’t be put on anyone but myself. No one forced me to drink as much as I did and no one held a gun to my head and told me to do things with the guy. I could have stopped it but I didn’t.

So where am I going with this story? Well see, after all my Star Wars watching I finally started thinking in my right mind. Yes I let shit happen that I didn’t want but it’s over and done. I can’t go back and change it now. Yes I might have screwed up my chance with a guy that I really care about but also if he can’t understand that it was an honest mistake and not done on purpose, is he really someone I want to be with?

Overall, I’m the only one I need to make happy right now. I only need to keep my interests in mind and my well being in check. Something I’ve really been lacking on a lot in the past few months. If it’s not beneficial to me and my physical and mental health I need to cut ties and let go. This includes stuff I have and in some cases “friends” of mine.

In some ways I know I needed this shit storm to happen so that I can finally wake up from the darkness I’ve been letting take hold. I am better than this. I will not let depression define me and rule my life. The dark thoughts are not mine. They are the depression fighting it’s way through and trying to take hold further in my mind.

Starting this year I’m getting back into my physical activities. I always did better when I worked out and was generally happier. This works out perfectly as I’m supposed to be getting off at 4 this week. I have no excuse not to go the gym everyday this week. Also I’m going to do more with my jewelry. I want to start making enough to where maybe I could sell some stuff.

But my main goal for 2017 is just focus on my happiness and not trying to make everyone else happy. I can’t control their happiness. Only mine. And that is the most important thing of all for me.

I know this won’t be the last depressive cycle I have but this one was a big enough of a shock to my system to kick my ass in gear. I’ll probably blog more with my progress as I know this outlet is the only one that allows me to be myself. I don’t have to hide and I need that to motivate me to do better and be better. I know I can fight this and I will win.

Till next time everyone…

I suck at responding to ANYTHING

So those that know me know that I’m not the best with texting or calling or really any form of communication unless I see you every day. For a couple of my friends I know it bugs them that I don’t really text them that often. For others they know that I’ll text them whenever I want/need to.

I say this because I think I’m finally figuring out why I suck at communicating with anyone. I think it’s because whenever I text or want to hangout I feel like maybe they don’t really want to hangout with me. I constantly feel like I’m a burden on others and if I ask them to hangout with me I’m taking up their time when they could probably be hanging out with someone better.

Yes I think that little of myself that I think I’m a burden to hangout with.

That one thing right there is one of the reasons why I’m back in therapy. I thought I was doing better with everything but I still have some things I need to work out to be in a better mental state. I do know that I am better than I was 2 years ago at this time but I’m not 100% and I never will be. Depression and anxiety will always be with me. I will always have the dark negative thoughts about myself. What I need to work on now is controlling those thoughts and not letting them control me.

I am the ruler of my life and emotions. I will not let Depression define me and make me be someone I don’t wanna be.

But back to the original point of this post today, I hate that I have friends that get mad at me for not texting them. That makes me not want to message them more because then I feel like whatever I say then is just not good enough. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s just how I feel.

I care deeply for my friends and I would do anything for them. I just wish they would understand that I’m working towards a better mentally stable me. That right now I’m not in the best place and that I feel stupid for bringing up my struggles when I’m supposed to be the funny upbeat friend. I’m not supposed to bring you down with my stupid depression. I don’t want to bring them down into my dark place.

Anyway, I’m working on me now. I like the new therapist I have. She seems like a pretty awesome chick and her personality is pretty similar to mine. She says she likes to joke around a lot but knows when to be serious too. She says we’ll set goals but we won’t super focus on the goals. The main goal to just get to a better place mentally and figure out how to deal with my anxiety and depression in a positive and better manor. I’ve only had one session with her so far but I’m looking forward to my next one. I feel like this will definitely help. If I stick with that mindset then I hope that it actually will help.

I needed to vent about this. I’ve started bottling it all again and that’s one of my many issues me and my therapist gotta work on. One day I’ll be normal…maybe.

Thanks for reading and I’ll post again later letting you know how it goes.

I think it’s time I move on from the stress and find somewhere I can breathe

So I haven’t posted in a while because I haven’t had much I wanted to post about. Work was going ok, talks with dude man are going pretty good, and life in general was fine. Unless you count the migraines I started having and then this weekend having the adult version of hand foot mouth disease. Thankfully I got a mild case of it. No blisters on the feet or hands but the ulcers in mouth got pretty bad but thankfully those are finally going down.

Anyway, my life was doing just great until I started having medical problems again. And I know why. Because I stopped working out as much. I’ve learned that I’m a way healthier me when I keep to a solid gym schedule and don’t slack off. So I seriously need to get back on track with that.

The other part that is seriously bugging me is now work. I mean I know missing Thursday last week and then Friday this week isn’t ideal but I’m no good to those kids if I’m half dead on my feet. I thought that was understandable. But I guess not to some of the people I work with. I guess I’m faking it just to take time off. Um no. I would much rather be at work and try to save my sick days but apparently my body has other ideas.

What I hate the most though is how they can all act one way to my face and then turn around and be complete bitches the next minute behind my back. I mean seriously if you’re going to hate me at least do it to my face so I know your true colors. I’m 26. I don’t have time to waste my breath on stupid drama. I can easily just be civil with you at work and leave it at that. I hate stupid fake ass people.

Seriously though it sucks because I love what I do and the fact that I get to work where I go to church is an added bonus. But how much longer can I put up with all the negativity that it takes to work there. There is so much stress right now because there is so much drama and I know my body doesn’t work well under stress because that’s when I tend to get migraines and get sick because I’m not taking care of me. All that being said I think it’s time I start looking for a new place of employment. I can’t stay in this toxic environment. Either the negative people from there gotta leave or I just gotta say good bye to it.

No matter what, I see a change in my future and I hope it’s for the better.

I’m doing it again…

One day I’ll learn…maybe…that my happiness is NOT based on how others feel about me. Specifically the feelings of the male population. I swear every freaking time I like a guy it’s like I throw all my feelings and all at him and just say “Here ya go. Feel free to go ahead and do what you want with it.” I so dumb.

So I think I said in my post yesterday that I went on that date last week and that I thought it went super awesome. Well, dude man is still talking to me but it feels different. I don’t know how and maybe I’m reading too much into it. On my end, I’m trying to rein myself in and not text him at all times of the day. But when he messages back, it just seems different almost forced in a way.

Maybe I’m just being a girl and overthinking and all that crappy stuff. I’m just tired of good things not working out. I went into this date not expecting it to go well to get myself ready for when he stops talking to me but then it just had to be awesome.

Tell me universe, why do you hate me? What did I do to piss you off?

I need to post more

Dang I haven’t posted in awhile but I’ve got some stuff on my chest that I need to get off and the best way I know how is through writing about a blog post.

What’s been going on lately?

Well, I’ve been working out a little more. I’m not a body builder yet but I am more active that I used to be which is always better. My favorite thing to do is ride my bike. This morning I did a 7 mile ride just cause I wanted to.

As for work, it’s stressful. I’m not to the point I was at when I worked for Walgreens but I have my moments. I know this time though that if I feel myself heading down the path I was on before to get out quick or take a step back for a little bit so I can come back refreshed. I’m not too worried about it which means I’m still in a healthy place.

But the biggest thing I got going on is that I went on my first official date in like years this past week. I’m talking it was a look nice, dinner and something afterwards, not just hanging out to have sex kind of date…and it was awesome. I feel like I really connected with the guy and the conversation flowed pretty well. You know when you just hangout with a person and then after all you wanna do is just hangout with them more? Well that’s what I’m feeling now.

You’re probably wondering “Well why don’t you silly? Nothing’s holding you back from doing that!” And you’d be half right and half wrong by thinking that. See he lives a good hour and a half from where I live. So that right there means I can’t just pop over and see him whenever I want. Also, he wants to take things slow. His last serious relationship was a toxic one so he’s being cautious and I totally get that. I’m being cautious too. Every guy that I’ve started to like or have any sort of feelings for all randomly stopped talking to me without a reason at some point or another and I really don’t want this to happen with this guy. I  just know something is different and I don’t want to screw it up.

Problem is that I want to talk to him all the time and I’m thinking about him pretty frequently and I just want to be with him. But I want to respect his boundaries as well as make sure mine stay up as well. I just can’t help this feeling though and it bugs the crap out of me. I’m probably making a bigger deal out of this than I need to but I’m trying to play it cool. I just don’t know what to do.

I feel like if I keep talking I’m just gonna keep repeating myself. Usually I feel settled after I write but this time it’s just confused me further.

I’m so freaking stupid

I thought I was doing okay. And for the most part I have been. Work is great and I’m seeing more of my friends and actually doing things which is awesome. But sometimes stuff hits me and then I’m taken back to how I felt two years ago.

The sad part is I know what causes me to go back to how I felt. It’s always a guy. I hate that I let them get under my skin to where I question my progress and how far I’ve come in my life. It was a guy that started the whole thing by acting like an ass. Then there was the one that said I was a piece of shit and wasn’t ever going to be good enough. And now the one who I haven’t even met and I’m letting him get to me. How screwed up is that?

When will I finally be able to not let my emotions be swayed because I want a guy to like me? I shouldn’t let them dictate my life but I do. I know I keep saying it but it just pisses me off so much. I want to be able to say this is the last time a guy runs my life. This is the last time I let someone else ruin all the good things I have going for me.

I can say that all day long…but when will it finally be true…

It’s seems fitting that at tonight’s Good Friday service that the pastor talked about how we live shattered lives. He took a clay pot and said we all were specially made, we all have value, and we all are destined to be filled. Then he took it and proceeded to break it into all these small little pieces and explained that even though we are shattered that we can still be made whole.

You’re probably thinking “That’s nice Liz but what do your two stories have to do with one another?”

Easy. I’m still a shattered broken mess. What the first two guys did to me really set me back. Their words and actions hurt more than I ever thought anything could. (Obviously since both guys caused me to question whether I should still be on this Earth.) Because of that I’m a shattered mess. But instead of trying to get another guys approval, I need to seek out only one mans approval and that’s God.

Now I’m not the super religious type. I believe in God but not I’m one that you’ll see in the outside and automatically think “Oh yeah she goes to church every Sunday and helps teach young kids about the faith”. Obviously I don’t look like it. I’m reserved but maybe it’s time to start putting that more in he front burner of my life instead of just keeping it at bay for Sundays and special occasions.

Anyway, I’m probably not making much sense. It’s been an emotional day and I’m not thinking 100%. Hopefully next time I post it’s a much happier subject.