So 2017 has started out pretty shitty for me. I spent yesterday and most of today laying in bed watching Star Wars (starting in original order of course cause I’m not a monster that actually starts with episode 1) and just wallowing in self pity.
See I did a thing on New Year’s that I’m not really proud of. I woke up with some knowledge of what I’d done on Sunday morning but also with a massive hangover which led me to believe I got blackout drunk. I knew that I had made out with someone and that some acts were done but that’s all. So when I woke up in the hotel bed with said dude feeling me up and asking if we should pick up where we left off I freaked. What all had we done? And damnit I was trying to start a relationship with another guy. This is not something I should have done.
I immediately started down my depressive spiral. How could I have let this happen? I should have stopped it. I shouldn’t have drank as much so that I was in my right mind to say no to it all. Naturally in my guilty state I knew I had to come clean to the guy I had been talking to. It would have ate me if I hadn’t. So I told him. Honestly I can’t say how he took it because since I told him yesterday he hasn’t messaged me much. I tried reaching out to him last night but I was given short answers and so I figured he needed space. This didn’t help my depressive spiral any as I just kept going down further and further.
Now we’re on to today. My hangover was finally subsiding. (Just so y’all know, I do not recommend drinking to where you have a two day long hangover. It sucks. I would not wish it on my worst enemy) Anyway, full memories of New Year’s were coming back to me. I have no regrets of the beginning of the evening. That was all fun. But I do regret the amount I drank which allowed me to give in to the peer pressure. I knew going into the night that some might try to push for something and yet I drank enough not to care. The blame for that night can’t be put on anyone but myself. No one forced me to drink as much as I did and no one held a gun to my head and told me to do things with the guy. I could have stopped it but I didn’t.
So where am I going with this story? Well see, after all my Star Wars watching I finally started thinking in my right mind. Yes I let shit happen that I didn’t want but it’s over and done. I can’t go back and change it now. Yes I might have screwed up my chance with a guy that I really care about but also if he can’t understand that it was an honest mistake and not done on purpose, is he really someone I want to be with?
Overall, I’m the only one I need to make happy right now. I only need to keep my interests in mind and my well being in check. Something I’ve really been lacking on a lot in the past few months. If it’s not beneficial to me and my physical and mental health I need to cut ties and let go. This includes stuff I have and in some cases “friends” of mine.
In some ways I know I needed this shit storm to happen so that I can finally wake up from the darkness I’ve been letting take hold. I am better than this. I will not let depression define me and rule my life. The dark thoughts are not mine. They are the depression fighting it’s way through and trying to take hold further in my mind.
Starting this year I’m getting back into my physical activities. I always did better when I worked out and was generally happier. This works out perfectly as I’m supposed to be getting off at 4 this week. I have no excuse not to go the gym everyday this week. Also I’m going to do more with my jewelry. I want to start making enough to where maybe I could sell some stuff.
But my main goal for 2017 is just focus on my happiness and not trying to make everyone else happy. I can’t control their happiness. Only mine. And that is the most important thing of all for me.
I know this won’t be the last depressive cycle I have but this one was a big enough of a shock to my system to kick my ass in gear. I’ll probably blog more with my progress as I know this outlet is the only one that allows me to be myself. I don’t have to hide and I need that to motivate me to do better and be better. I know I can fight this and I will win.
Till next time everyone…