I thought I was doing okay. And for the most part I have been. Work is great and I’m seeing more of my friends and actually doing things which is awesome. But sometimes stuff hits me and then I’m taken back to how I felt two years ago.
The sad part is I know what causes me to go back to how I felt. It’s always a guy. I hate that I let them get under my skin to where I question my progress and how far I’ve come in my life. It was a guy that started the whole thing by acting like an ass. Then there was the one that said I was a piece of shit and wasn’t ever going to be good enough. And now the one who I haven’t even met and I’m letting him get to me. How screwed up is that?
When will I finally be able to not let my emotions be swayed because I want a guy to like me? I shouldn’t let them dictate my life but I do. I know I keep saying it but it just pisses me off so much. I want to be able to say this is the last time a guy runs my life. This is the last time I let someone else ruin all the good things I have going for me.
I can say that all day long…but when will it finally be true…
It’s seems fitting that at tonight’s Good Friday service that the pastor talked about how we live shattered lives. He took a clay pot and said we all were specially made, we all have value, and we all are destined to be filled. Then he took it and proceeded to break it into all these small little pieces and explained that even though we are shattered that we can still be made whole.
You’re probably thinking “That’s nice Liz but what do your two stories have to do with one another?”
Easy. I’m still a shattered broken mess. What the first two guys did to me really set me back. Their words and actions hurt more than I ever thought anything could. (Obviously since both guys caused me to question whether I should still be on this Earth.) Because of that I’m a shattered mess. But instead of trying to get another guys approval, I need to seek out only one mans approval and that’s God.
Now I’m not the super religious type. I believe in God but not I’m one that you’ll see in the outside and automatically think “Oh yeah she goes to church every Sunday and helps teach young kids about the faith”. Obviously I don’t look like it. I’m reserved but maybe it’s time to start putting that more in he front burner of my life instead of just keeping it at bay for Sundays and special occasions.
Anyway, I’m probably not making much sense. It’s been an emotional day and I’m not thinking 100%. Hopefully next time I post it’s a much happier subject.