So those that know me know that I’m not the best with texting or calling or really any form of communication unless I see you every day. For a couple of my friends I know it bugs them that I don’t really text them that often. For others they know that I’ll text them whenever I want/need to.
I say this because I think I’m finally figuring out why I suck at communicating with anyone. I think it’s because whenever I text or want to hangout I feel like maybe they don’t really want to hangout with me. I constantly feel like I’m a burden on others and if I ask them to hangout with me I’m taking up their time when they could probably be hanging out with someone better.
Yes I think that little of myself that I think I’m a burden to hangout with.
That one thing right there is one of the reasons why I’m back in therapy. I thought I was doing better with everything but I still have some things I need to work out to be in a better mental state. I do know that I am better than I was 2 years ago at this time but I’m not 100% and I never will be. Depression and anxiety will always be with me. I will always have the dark negative thoughts about myself. What I need to work on now is controlling those thoughts and not letting them control me.
I am the ruler of my life and emotions. I will not let Depression define me and make me be someone I don’t wanna be.
But back to the original point of this post today, I hate that I have friends that get mad at me for not texting them. That makes me not want to message them more because then I feel like whatever I say then is just not good enough. I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s just how I feel.
I care deeply for my friends and I would do anything for them. I just wish they would understand that I’m working towards a better mentally stable me. That right now I’m not in the best place and that I feel stupid for bringing up my struggles when I’m supposed to be the funny upbeat friend. I’m not supposed to bring you down with my stupid depression. I don’t want to bring them down into my dark place.
Anyway, I’m working on me now. I like the new therapist I have. She seems like a pretty awesome chick and her personality is pretty similar to mine. She says she likes to joke around a lot but knows when to be serious too. She says we’ll set goals but we won’t super focus on the goals. The main goal to just get to a better place mentally and figure out how to deal with my anxiety and depression in a positive and better manor. I’ve only had one session with her so far but I’m looking forward to my next one. I feel like this will definitely help. If I stick with that mindset then I hope that it actually will help.
I needed to vent about this. I’ve started bottling it all again and that’s one of my many issues me and my therapist gotta work on. One day I’ll be normal…maybe.
Thanks for reading and I’ll post again later letting you know how it goes.