Currently listening to Hallelujah (the version by Pentatonix) on repeat as I type tonight. I tried to hold out on liking this song but damn, it gets me right in the feels every time I listen to it.

Anyway, this post today isn’t about that song. I just feel like I’ve been stuck in a mood today. Don’t know what kind of mood exactly. It isn’t depressed but it isn’t happy. I’m just existing today.

In my last post I talked about getting back into the gym and I’ve stuck to that so far. (It’s been 2 days so don’t get too excited for me) Last night though after I came home from the first day back in the gym, I was feeling pretty good. I had done a 20 minute run/walk and 40 minutes on the elliptical. I was sore but also proud of myself. Then my dad starts talking about something he read that says all the people that start back this time of year quit by the end of 2 weeks to which my brother asked how long he thought I’d last. Boom. good feelings gone. Back to feeling like shit.

So today I went back. I wanted to do some good cardio so I pushed myself for 50 minutes on the elliptical. Thank God for good tunes that helped me through it or else I might have given up at the 30 minute mark. Anyway, I get home today and I’m fixing my plate of supper from something my brother had made. It was a pasta so not the best thing for me but I figured a smaller portion wouldn’t hurt me too bad. As I’m getting it my brother says “I thought you were back in the gym?” He was trying to make a joke that I wasn’t strong enough to get the pasta out of the pan cause it was kinda sticking but the way he said it really just struck a nerve.

I’m probably reading too much into all of this but it freaking sucks to hear family say that kind of stuff to me. It isn’t a secret that I struggle with losing weight. I’ve been fat all my life so losing this isn’t gonna be a quick and painless task. But all I ask is for just a little bit of encouragement maybe. Or if they don’t have any then just keep your mouth shut. I’ll take that too.

 

Ok changed song so time to change topics. Now listening to Worst Part of Me by I Prevail. Never heard of them? If you like alternative metal kind of stuff you’ll like these guys. They are my go to workout stuff right now cause it gets me out of my head and just pushing myself to give my workout it’s all.

This song however speaks volumes to me right now cause I can think of multiple people in my life that can fit the description of this song.  Here’s the lyrics for those that may not want to do the dirty work to look it up yourself. (I’m so helpful I know)

You’re the worst part of me
How did I let you in so deep?

You’re the worst part of me
How did I let you in so deep?
Gotta dig you out of my skin
This where it has to end

I let you bury me alive for far too long
But I’m climbing back up to the surface, back to where I belong

If we’re being honest you broke every little promise
That you made to me, I was too blind to see
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

You pulled me in with a warm embrace
To drag me down to the darkest place
I want to feel just like myself again
But with these chains around my ankles I can’t get away

If we’re being honest you broke every little promise
That you made to me, I was too blind to see
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear
You had control of me for far too long
Manipulated me but now I’m gone
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

I let you bury me alive for far too long
But I’m climbing back up to the surface back to where I belong
And now it’s clear that you’re the worst part of me
How did I ever let you claw your way in so deep

If we’re being honest you broke every little promise
That you made to me, I was too blind to see
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear
You had control of me for far too long
Manipulated me but now I’m gone
I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses
After all these years, it’s finally crystal clear

 

At this point I’m guessing some of you are either thinking of someone that fits that description or thinking damn these lyrics are bad ass I should look up the song or maybe you’re thinking both. Who knows.

The line that sticks out the most is “I was so defenseless now I’m coming to my senses”  Why you may ask? Because that me in a nutshell. For so long now I’ve been letting a lot of people walk all over me and dictate how I can and can’t feel. I’m done. Sad that it takes me till I’m almost 27 to figure this out but I grew up being told to shut up and conform. I was never allowed to speak up and voice any issues. I was just supposed to be a good daughter and friend and put other needs before my own.

I’m starting to slowly find my voice and speak up for myself. I know I won’t be perfect at it. I’m hoping when I go back to my therapist on the 17th that me and her can start working on this. I’m tired of being a dumb little push over. I can be my own person and if others don’t like then they don’t have to stick around.

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