You ever just want to run away? And I’m not talking about like for a couple days or a weekend. I’m talking like legit run and don’t look back. Tell no one where you’re going and just leave kind of thing.
I’ve been considering that lately. I need out of this house and where I’m at right now. I feel myself falling backwards into the hole I was in for a year. The deep darkness where my thoughts ran the show and if I was left alone long enough they got the best of me.
You’d probably say “Well reach out and don’t be alone. Easy as that.” and you’d be wrong. Sure it’s easy to send a text or make a phone call but for those that really know me know I don’t like discussing myself and my problems. I don’t like admitting that I need help. So what do I do?? I shut down. I don’t text or call. I become super hermit and keep to myself. It’s not against any person in general, I just want to try and clear my head and stop being such a debbie downer before I try talking to anyone again.
See the problem is I like to be the happy friend. The one everyone goes to for their problems and I offer up my help and a joke to try to make them feel better. How can I be that person if I myself am just down and hate the world. I don’t want my negativity to impact others so I shut down and keep to myself until I snap out of it.
The problem is then I end up being rude and everything to the friends around me. Now granted I really don’t have but a handful and only one or two text me regularly and actually care. I think that’s the other downer is that I care for so many people but when it comes down to it, how many actually give two shits about me?
I’m just not in a good place. Today on my way home I prayed for a deer to jump out in front of my car and that I’d have to swerve to miss and crash into a ditch and that I’d die. No one should ever pray or wish for that. But yet that’s where I’m at. And I hate myself for letting myself get to this point again. I think what really makes me mad about it is I don’t even know what brought it on. I was just chilling one day and then the next I’m screaming fuck the world and wishing for car crashes.
Anyway, sorry for the depressing post this week but it’s where I’m at and you deserve to hear the truth about my thoughts. I said from the beginning I wouldn’t hold back and this is just another aspect of me. I’m usually fun and awesome but every story has it’s sucky not so fun parts.
Thanks for reading.
Keep a lookout for my next post so you can keep up with the story of a girl named Liz.